I have not posted here in a long time... but more and more lately, I feel the need to express myself... I sort of feel like I am going back into hermit mode again, and that is no good. So back to writing I go. beantowngrlie gave me these interview questions, so I guess that I will start with them, and see where things go.

1. how is school going?

I am so sick of school. I can't control the fact that I am still there, but there is a part of me that feels like a failure for not being done yet... I'm 23 ad I still am in undergrad. I know that I have sufficient reasons for not having finished sooner, but the perfectionist within refuses to accept any of those reasons as viable.

2. what are you looking to do once your finished with school?

Move to a deserted island and live alone with a palm tree and a stack of books... and then when the student loan people find me, move back to DC and get a job. Probably doing something in the realm of law and government.

3. how has work been going?

Which job? Gap or my internship? Gap is good.... my boss is treating me well, and giving me time to breathe. I also have a kick-ass internship for WUFPAC (wufpac.org) which is a non-partisan organizaion that helps fund campaigns for women under forty running for federal office.

4. are you still running?

No. But I need to be. I'll try to get out there this weekend... cold or no cold.

5. if you could meet one person, alive or dead, who would it be?

Well, I already knew her, but my Grandmother who died when I was eight. I would love to spend a day with her as an adult.

I know it has been forever and a day since I last wrote anything... and I don't even know if anyone reads this, but whatever. I am just so stressed and tired and hoping that the cough I have is not turning into pneumonia. (Last year I had pneumonia and started the same way, with the cough waking me up in the middle of the night). I don't know how to put the breaks on life and I keep hitting dead-end streets. Everyday I go into work with the intention of cutting back or quitting, but once I get in there I can't. It's not that I am addicted to work, but it is all that I know. Gap is my saftey zone in some really messed up way. It just feels right. Or maybe its the only constant I have, and I am too afraid to let it go.

School is out of control. I don't know. Too much to do. No time to do it. And it all needs to be done now.

And of course between work and school driving me up the wall, I somehow find myself doing the one thing that gives me the illusion of feeling better... skipping meals. I know. Not going to make it better. Infact I know it is going to make it all worse. But after 11 years of dealing with it, I just want it to go away. And it won't. GRRR.

I know that moving to DC was not a cure for all sins past. I like to think that. Sometimes. But all I have to do is look in a mirror, and realize that I wasn't even fooling myself, whatever was driving me crazy in Massachusetts will drive me crazy in DC, or Virginia, or Paris or wherever I end up living. I just need to figure out a way to deal with that.

But sitting here and being depressed and hormonal is not going to make anything better... So I am going to get myself out of the house, and do more school work before the pile gets even higher.

(icon by shedisappears)